How Not to Cry

Yes, I spoke at her funeral. I wrote a text which I practiced at home and then read in front of the hundreds of people there. I looked away from the people and instead focused on her photo. I was speaking to her, after all, so I spoke to the huge picture of her smiling 4 year old face on the altar, next to the flowers and teddy bears, balloons and toys surrounding the wooden box containing her ashes.

I didn’t cry. Not even a bit.

And people said I was strong. Some people hinted that there was something abnormal about me. Emotionless? My husband would probably laugh at that. Martin has to preview movies and tv shows before I watch them in case they are too sad or upsetting. I frequently am told “Oh I found a great new TV show but you can’t watch it.” We have a perfect way of sharing tasks in our home in fact. In addition to checking whether movies and tv shows are Nicole-proof, Martin also buys all the groceries, puts gas in both our cars, is in charge of the wine-supply (important!), and has developed an elaborate document scanning system to minimize useless paperwork… (hey wait a minute, what are all those papers piled around his computer over there?) I cook the food he buys, drive the cars until they are wheezing forward on fumes alone, drink the wine, and open the mail. Sounds fair enough, right?

My point is, I am anything but emotionless. Inside, my tears were like Niagara Falls at her funeral. But I kept it in, not out of a lack of feeling.

No, it’s just that I wasn’t there for me. I was there to support her family, and in that role, the best thing I could do for them was to be strong and hold it all in. So, I had to make sure I didn’t cry. How? It’s complicated. A delicate balance between extreme concentration on what I’m doing while at the same time avoiding any thoughts about what I am doing. So if you noticed I wasn’t really very social on that day it’s because my brain was too busy doing cartwheels. Talking would potentially have upset the delicate balance.

Now, time has passed. I’ve been to the grave a few times. I’ve re-lit the candles and swept the snow off the teddy bears and stood looking at the ground. She’s not really there. I don’t feel her presence, not like the way I do when I’m driving in the car and hear one of the songs she liked so much. The grave is a place on this earth for a person who is no longer on this earth. The grave is for us. So I try to make it look nice. But I don’t think Zoé would stay there long, anyway, there are not enough toys. The other day there was quite a bit of snow covering everything, she would have liked that I think. I bet she would have laughed hysterically and run around getting cold and covered in snow and not cared at all about the consequences.

I forgot my gloves and swept the snow off all the teddy bears and flowers with my hands and felt my fingers freeze but I didn’t notice they hurt till I was back in the car later and they started to thaw. So maybe I’m not emotionless but feelingless? Numb?

No, that’s not it. I just don’t show it. In fact, I feel a lot of sadness and anger at the thought that Zoé died . Yes, there, I said it. I know we’re supposed to say things like Zoé “passed away” or “left us” or “went to a better place”.  Does it make it feel less harsh, less upsetting, to not use the word “died”? But that’s what happened. She died and it’s totally, completely unfair and it hurts. It’s just a word. Whether you want to say passed away or died, it comes down to the same thing. She died and we didn’t so we’re left here with her teddy bears and toys. And she’s somewhere else, probably having loads of fun because she just was not the type of person who sat around thinking about the difference between the words “died” and “passed away” and whether or not you should or shouldn’t cry at funerals. I bet if Zoé had lived she would have been the type of adult who never put gas in her car and drove on fumes, because she just had too many other fun things to do to stop. And maybe that’s why it feels so unfair, because we don’t get to share those moments with her. I would love to have had the chance to run out of gas with adult Zoé.

But I guess there is something to be learned from all this (other than the sudden realization that came over me when I wrote that last sentence that maybe some people are just born without the ability to notice the car gas level, which means that running out of gas is actually not my fault but a true genetic predisposition). There must be a lesson in all this because I don’t always feel sad and angry, often I’m happy when I think about Zoé, because she existed, and because through her I made some new friends. Even though there is tragedy in the story, there is also happiness.

You could say the lesson is to live in the moment and treasure all the time you have together because you never know when it could end. And that would be true. But I’ve tried that, and it takes a huge amount of energy to always live in the present moment. And it’s just not always possible because sometimes you need to plan for the future. For one thing, in our home, if I stopped planning for the future and chose to live in the moment we would be eating a lot of raw meat. Many children in this home would be wearing clothes that are dirty and several sizes too small. My older boys would have to wear shoes that have holes in the front for their toes to poke through.  I would not be able to see my husband at his computer behind the piles of paper and things surrounding him. (hey wait a minute… it’s already like that!) And of course if I didn’t think of the future ever I would probably be sitting here pregnant with my 25^th child. (Oh I almost had a little heart attack just at the thought.)

So no, I just can’t live in the moment all the time. And I do appreciate all the time I have with all the people I care about, but sometimes I also appreciate being alone.

So what the lesson? Zoé, are you listening here? Any advice? (I know it’s an ironic thing to write because not only was Zoé not able to read yet but she didn’t speak a word of English. But I like to think that when she left her body here, she became a multi-lingual intellectual. I still think she’s running out of gas in her car up there though. Some things can’t change.)

Ah, the answer does come to me. A thought sent from “above” or just the logical answer to my question? Who knows.

Fun. Zoé always chose fun. That’s the lesson.

They say life is not measured by the number of breaths you take but by the number of moments that take your breath away. So maybe I didn’t get to drive around with Zoé in a car with no gas (why do I envision us like Thelma and Louise in that description?) But I did have some fun with her, I am even proud to say she once insisted on coming over to my place to be babysat when her mom had an appointment. And we did have fun.

In the end, you probably only regret the things you chose not to do, not the things you did. So while we’re here let’s live like Zoé and have fun.

So when I’m gone, I hope someone passes by my grave and keeps it pretty too. But I won’t be there. Not enough toys.